Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that