okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
This is my cat’s medicine.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Jurassic park gets weird
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.