“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs