WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
relationship goals
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.