All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
This dude got his own movie?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.