{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.