Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.