Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Squirrels before girls.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
White Castle for the Win
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.