Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays