*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
How to find Kentucky on a map
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Very good! 👍😂
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!