“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
#titanic
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
He’s cranky this morning
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Very good news from my accountant
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.