How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends