I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
the world’s most popular steaming services
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”