Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
This is true.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.