I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I am crying
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My dog ate my work from home.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too