I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer