I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?