My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.