how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were