My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“Huge”.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet