I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Yes
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
HERE’S MARKY
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.