I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.