My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?