cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Ah..makes sense now
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.