[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Life with a cat in one tweet
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?