6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?