No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
no one likes gloating
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it