If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Leonardo DiCaprisun
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
So inspired right now.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Tastes like chicken.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.