Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Blew my mind.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive