“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.