Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
you have three unread messages
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that