After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears