My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
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Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness