The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
You Might Also Like
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
So glad we cleared that up
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
“Great, now I have to pee.”