I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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BRO LMFAO
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.