Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project