Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
he’s doing your taxes
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.