A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You Might Also Like
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.