No. YOU-buprofen.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.