I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
philosophical skeletons be like
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I thought this was funny lol
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
he was correct