husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Some people were born into their job.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening