*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
You Might Also Like
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me