Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”