I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!