tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland