Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…