I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
how to have an accident 101
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos