I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.