Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
You Might Also Like
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.