my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Meanwhile in Portland…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.